Dating is a lot more fun when your date shows up, js. I got stood up for the first time ever, in my life last week and I felt all the feelings. All. Of. Them. I went from soul-crushing rejection to ball-crushing vengeance within 3.25 seconds. But then I remembered who the fuck I am, it took me a minute, but I got there, and let go of these petty ass feelings, walked out, went to another bar, and had a great time anyway. Sorry, you missed out big guy.
I don’t mean to sound bitter, but I am, just a little. It’s cool. I am going to feel my feelings and move on the way he moved on, you know, the same night he should have been delighted by the witty banter I would spout off and make him fall madly in love with me. Yeah, it’s lame af, but I do this anytime there’s a potential new suitor on my radar. I’m open to the chance they might fall in love with me. I know cocky, right?
But why shouldn’t I be? Aren’t we tired of letting people tell us that we should accept any man that will have us because there’s no such thing as the perfect man? All the “good men” are taken so we should settle for whoever will have us, “Take what you can get, honey,” they say. And if there is a perfect man he’s with a better looking, younger
woman girl. Who are “these people” anyway? I think it’s time to let “these people,” (whoever the fuck they are) know that we are the perfect one, just as we are, and we are waiting on someone who’s good enough for us, and maybe he’s a younger man, btw. “How’s your son doing, Susan?”
This guy was not good enough for me, mainly because he was a no show, the bar just got lower. It wasn’t hard enough when you’re dating after 40, so thanks for that. I waited, and waited and inhaled truffle fries (the only thing that kept me calm) and, drowned my misery in Prosecco. After waiting forty minutes, I thought about something I had read,
“Sometimes leaving is the only option, because it is the only way to choose yourself…By choosing yourself, you will always triumph.”
I chose myself by getting up and getting the hell out of there. I felt disrespected. One thing I have learned in this brutal dating world is that you get what you accept. I won’t take being disrespected. I am late to everything; it’s a character flaw; I own it. However, if I will be forty minutes late, I’m going to let my party know, especially if it’s a party of one. Not notifying me he was running three years late was disrespect, point, blank, period. Unacceptable. If I let someone push my boundaries, they will continue to push until I have no boundaries left.
At what point do we know someone has crossed a line? For me, I know someone has crossed a line when I start to feel uncomfortable with their behavior. When their behavior makes me question what I believe is an acceptable way to be treated; this is where I feel my boundaries are being pushed at an unacceptable level. When someone pushes my boundaries, I draw the line. Nope, not gonna happen. I’m done.
And my boundaries got pushed even further after I left the date that he thoughtlessly chose not to attend. An hour after he was supposed to meet me, he sent a text asking if I was still there. Like, are you serious right now? By this time I had already had a funeral in my mind, this guy was dead to me. Imagine my shock and horror when I got a text message from a damn ghost. Wtf?
The painful thing about finding someone who is good enough for us is putting ourselves out there in the first place. It can be brutal. But if we hang on with all the hope on God’s green earth and we say a prayer every hour on the hour, true love, romance, and all the good shit that comes along with finding “the one” is out there, somewhere. I currently have a magnifying glass, tweezers, and a preacher on call. I had put myself out there, but how far out there was I willing to go for this guy? I am not completely heartless, almost but not completely.
By the time he sent me a text, 800 hours later, I had calmed down. I needed a minute to process what had just happened. If I react at the moment, I usually regret it. I prefer to take a minute and view the situation from both perspectives. I will ask myself how I would want someone to react if I had behaved this way? What could have caused me to be so late without a little check-in here and there? “Sorry, stuck in traffic,” or “Sorry, my extensions aren’t dry yet,” only takes 30 seconds, so obviously he had been in dire straits.
I had discussed the situation with my new BFF, the guy at the bar beside me, and he gave me the 411 from the male perspective on whether or not I should respond. By this time I was over it, it had been 800 hours. Thank you, next. He suggested I respond; it could have been some terrible situation, blah, blah, blah, doubt it. I sent a simple, “No.” Was I still there? Was he drunk or dumb?
He dared to reply with a text saying, “Come meet me at this place.” No reason why he was late. No sorry about earlier. Nothing. Like, huh? I have seen some things but this guy, I mean come on. This was a brand new technique, why not just ghost? I felt disrespected earlier in the night when he didn’t show up, and now he texts me like I’m an afterthought, nothing. No. Just, no. I am not going to come to meet you.
On the other hand, relationships or whatever take work and compromise. OMG dating is a pain in the ass. I was not going to drive back across town; I’m not a lap dog. I don’t chase boys, but I do date men. I mean, I try like hell to date men, they just aren’t trying very hard to date me in return. Ouch! I responded, “I was there, now I’m here. You’re more than welcome to join me over here.”
As I said, relationships or whatever take work; he was riding that unemployment vibe or something because he didn’t want to come to my side of town. We left it at tonight wasn’t meant to be. Uh, yeah big guy, you didn’t show up, so that’s on you. But I’m not bitter, well maybe a little. We sent a few texts after the date that never happened. I won’t ever take him seriously again though. How could I? The date that never happened because you didn’t show up or have the common courtesy to call and cancel is the definition of a bad date. When someone sends up a red flag that soon how can I ever look past it with anything they do?
Dating can go from one extreme to the next in one minute or with one sentence. Suddenly you see a chance at a new romantic partner; then they’re some random person who didn’t show up for a date. We are still in contact, but if I ever see him again, it will be on my terms. Stay tuned…
Have you ever been stood up? What are some red flags for you? How long would you wait for a date? How long would you expect your date to wait? Tell me your take on this situation in the comments because I would love to know how you would have handled it.
** The quote I posted above is from A Year of Positive Thinking: Daily Inspiration, Wisdom, and Courage by Cyndie Spiegel and it’s full of small daily wisdom. I cannot recommend it enough.
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