It’s Finally Christmas, and I am so relieved it’s over! The last time I was here I talked about the holiday blues, they got me this year. But whatever, it’s finally over. Now I can feel guilty for not doing as much as humanly possible during the holidays, jk. I won’t even feel guilty about that, not anymore…
“When you are guilty, it is not your sins that you hate but yourself.”
The year I got divorced (the last time, not the first time) I spent an entire week decorating my Christmas tree. For the first few weeks after my husband moved out, I was tough. I went through life as if nothing had happened — business as usual. Then, the holidays hit, like a freight train. This was my first Christmas without a spouse in 11 years. The whole traditional family Christmas was etched in my head as the only way to live life correctly. Nevermind the fact that our holidays had never been the picture-perfect Norman Rockwell image that I had imagined. But, the fact that I had a husband meant there was a possibility each year. This year I had no mans, so there wasn’t even a possibility. So…
I compensated by becoming the crazy Christmas tree lady. I spent so much time decorating my tree and making it so perfect that I couldn’t think of anything else. I hung over 500 ornaments on this tree. Now I didn’t use regular ornament hangers. Oh no, I used floral wire and wired them to the tree. I put birds all over my tree. I used craft paper and decorative ribbon to wrap all the gifts. It was all very extra and very Martha Stewart.
I also cried under this tree on a daily basis. My son finally got up enough courage to ask why I was going to such extremes. I realized that it was because everything in my life had fallen apart. I thought that if I could make just one little thing perfect that somehow it would miraculously fix everything else. It did not. It almost broke me even more. My poor son thought I was insane (he still does).
I may or may not go a little crazy with my tree’s these days. My perfectionism is a crippling disease according to this website, and I believe them because anyone who gives merit to my dysfunction has got it right. They say (I’m not sure who they are, but they sound like experts) perfectionism creates a steady state of discontent fueled by a stream of negative emotions like fear, frustration, and disappointment.
I let fear stop me, what if I fail or make a fool of myself, or trip again (I fall more than anyone, EVER!) I am always frustrated, it’s like I want to do something but it takes so much longer than I expected it to. I am always disappointed in myself; I don’t know why because I am awesome, seriously! I just keep going no matter what life throws at me (family drama, near-death experiences, hello Jerry Springer!)
From our crazy family to yours, Merry Christmas! We hope that your family, however, you define it has the best holiday!
We spend so much time, and money on our Christmas tree, how important is it to you? Tell me your thought in the comments.